2017 Political Predictions

It's been a hectic year in the political arena. 2016 confirmed that racism is indeed the new black as the whole globe seemed to simultaneously swing to the far-right. Nobody would have predicted what has happened over the past 12 months, and nobody can predict what the ramifications will be. Even so here are my predictions for politics in 2017:


2017 General Election

 "What do we want? BREXIT! What does it mean? BREXIT?"

"What do we want? BREXIT! What does it mean? BREXIT?"

In a bid to speed up the process of Brexit meaning Brexit, Theresa May starts the new year by announcing a general election for March, stating that if the Conservatives maintain a majority they will instantly trigger Article 50. This proves to be a successful move as she does indeed maintain her majority. But it's a hollow victory. Due to widespread dissatisfaction with leaders of all of the major parties and the general voter fatigue left over from the 2015 election and EU referendum, only 200 people bother to vote. Out of the those 200 votes, May won 185, Labour gained 5, Lib Dems 4, Ukip 4 and there was one vote for independent candidate Noel Edmonds who goes incredibly right-wing during early 2017.

The day after the vote May comes out to the front of Downing Street and announces that in fact Article 50 won't be triggered as they have lost it. She says she had put it in her 'special things' draw at home with a big post-it stuck on top saying “DO NOT TRIGGER”. She claims somebody must have stolen it. CCTV reveals that Tony Blair, who had been resurrected by Peter Madelson and Jack Straw in a sadistic ritual after he's killed falling into a vat of nuclear waste in January, had been seen scaling the wall of number 10 the night of the election. Since his accident he had taken to wearing a Jamie Vardy mask to conceal his mutated face, as well as sporting a cape and insisting that everybody called him by “The Euro Man”. He is never seen again.

May had no choice but to further delay the process of beginning Brexit. Everybody in the country audibly sighs at the exact same and all agree to not bother as it seems like too much hassle. Upon hearing this Theresa May short-circuits as Brexit didn't mean Brexit after all. A solitary tear trickles down her eye as sparks emit from her temple. She lets out one final scream off “BREXIT MEANS BREXIT” before exploding and killing everybody in a 7 mile radius.

The Labour Party

 "Corbyn's new album combines sounds from 80's electro wave and ambient music..."

"Corbyn's new album combines sounds from 80's electro wave and ambient music..."

Despite the untimely explosion of the Prime Minister, the Labour party is still in turmoil. After the election defeat there is once again a challenge to Jeremy Corbyn's leadership. This time coming from Dan Jarvis. Corbyn is so fed up by this point he doesn't even to try to put up a fight, just gives withering looks to anyone who asks him a question. Amazingly, this is a great success, people love the new sassy Corbyn who increases his mandate to 85% of the vote.

Nigel Farage

 Magic bean salesman Nigel Farage.

Magic bean salesman Nigel Farage.

Elsewhere in the world Nigel Farage continues his one man crusade to ruin the world by touring the globe, telling the natives of every country that immigrants are to blame. However he comes to sticky end when trying to access a remote tribe in the Brazilian jungle. After successfully convincing them that unelected Argentinian tribesmen were to blame for their failed crops as they disrespect the Sun God Rah, the Brazillian tribe decide to use Farage as a human sacrifice. Interestingly, the tribe were completely non-violent before Farage arrived, being fully vegan and ardant knitters. I guess Big Nige brought out the inner bloodlust in them.

The French Elections

 François Fillon's eyebrows are officially named a principality after his win.

François Fillon's eyebrows are officially named a principality after his win.

In France there is much relief when massive racist Marine Le Pen doesn't win the general election. But the relief is short-lived as they instead elect conservative candidate François Fillon, who is basically just as bad. Slightly less racist, but maybe more homophobic. Oh well, you win some you lose some. The EU hangs on by it's finger tips.

Donald Trump

 Like an awkward Christmas dinner where you have pretend to be friends with your racist relatives.

Like an awkward Christmas dinner where you have pretend to be friends with your racist relatives.

Time to address the elephant in the room, H From Steps. There is much flirting throughout the year between him and Putin. As Trump doesn't actually understand what is happening in Syria, Israel or Ukraine he decides against doing anything, which Putin is very pleased with. Trump spends most the year slagging off every world leader except action man Vlad, so much so that he forgets to push through any domestic reforms. Nothing happens in America all year. Until November.

In the run-up to Christmas, World War 3 begins. But it's not between the Russia and the USA. It's not between the West and the Middle East. In an surprise move on November the 25th 2017, Amazon declares war on America. Using the data collected on each individual in America they know exactly how to hurt the citizens of the US. Their drones, which were previously used to bring presents of fun and mirth to the houses of America now bring gifts of death and destruction. Bombs basically. Their years of tax-avoiding have allowed them to build new devastating weapons such as Giant Robotic Crabs. The war lasts 3 days before Trump gives in, due to every other country in the world siding with Amazon due to him slagging them all off on social media. Putin remains silent. During a tearful surrender speech, Trump sobs that Putin had let him down. “Where were you when I need you?” he whimpers between snorts of misery. In the background of the livestream of his surrender an Amazon drone hits itself repeatedly against the White House window before breaking through. One yelp from Trump and the camera cuts out. The war is over. Amazon are the new superpower of the world.

Celebrity Deaths

Finally, although this isn't strictly politics related I feel it would be remiss if I didn't predict some celebrity deaths that will happen in 2017. The following people will die: John Cleese, Delia Smith, Roger Moore, one of the Chuckle Brothers, Garth Crooks, the bassist of Snow Patrol, the other Chuckle Brother, David Attenbrough and The Queen.

HAPPY NEW YEAR.