Today saw Gideon Osborne announce his first budget since the Lib Dems stopped telling him not be evil, allowing him to show the country a fully Conservative budget. All this can get a bit complicated, so I thought I would break the whole thing down. (FYI I know nothing about economics and all the information on here has either been Googled or lifted from tweets that I have half-read. Thank you x)
National Living Wage
Gideon introduced the Living Wage bill, the name deriving from a 1980's George A Romero zombie flick. The Living Wage bill sets out a minimum amount of money that people who are working have to be paid, which is totally different from the Minimum Wage which only sets out a minimum amount of money that people who are working have to be paid. Many media outlets said that this news caused sentient root-vegetable and Tory MP Iain Duncan Smith to display an outpouring of joy.
But his joy was not at the announcement. It has since come to light that he was actually celebrating because he had received a text from his publisher telling him that his 2003 novel "The Devil's Tune' was finally getting a paperback release. "Today is a great day for British literacy!" he said to press whilst failing to digest a quail sandwich.
Gideon also announced that from 2017 students from low-income families who would have previously got a grant to help pay their way through university will now be given a bigger loan. He said this would stop poor people getting "ideas above their station" and would "wipe some smiles off smug hippies". He also declared all subjects except Latin and Fox-hunting would be banned and that he would be personally touring the country shouting "YOU WILL AMOUNT TO NOTHING!" in the faces of children. As well he announced that under-21 housing benefit would be scrapped. He said as most universities won't be in use anymore they could probably just live in there.
Corporation's will have how much tax they have to pay cut down to 18% by 2020, which is great news for Amazon, Google and Starbucks as it means they can continue paying 0.5% tax. Gideon says those companies can now feel slightly less guilty every time a nurse loses her job or former firefighter commits suicide. Gideon was overcome by lust and power at this point and struggled to contain a raging erection. Overall there was £47.2 billion in tax rises but £24.6 billion in tax cuts, mainly for corporation and inheritance tax. So good news if you're a business or dead/dying. Bad news if you're a living human being.
There was also some other stuff but I missed the rest of it because I was busy thinking of a witty and pithy tweet about how Theresa May looks like a slug in human costume. But to summaries everything will be fine if we just trust the people in power, they very rarely do anything wrong. And if anyone is going to be good with money it's rich people right? How do you think they got their money, birthright? No, Gideon Osborne is a man of the people, a modern day Gazza. Here's to 5 more years.
Peace Out x