Dench In A Day

Are you an unfit, weak, spindly, pathetic worm of a man? Do you want to be a strong, powerful lion of man, fighting off women with a stick? Well, actually not a stick, you could use your muscles and fight them off with with your arms and legs (DISCLAIMER: and its affiliates does not support violence against women). If that's the case then here are my top 5 tips to transform you from dowdy slob to heart-throb:

1) Steroids

Steroids often get a bad rep. "They can cause your body huge damage including increasing the risk of high-blood pressure and prostate cancer as well a number of hormone-related issues" cry-babies will say. "Abusing substances to gain an advantage over other athletes denies skilled individuals to lose out because of honesty," losers will say. Steroids are great, just ask Lance Armstrong. Before steroids Lance couldn't even ride a bike, but now look at him, he's a millionaire. Sure he cheated, but how many Tour De France's have you won eh? That's right, none. Cheating is easy, but cheating well is another matter. And Lance cheated very, very well.

Steroids are just an easy way of building up some mass so if you want to be ripped but can't really be bothered this is the best way about. Ignore what so-called doctors or so-called sporting government bodies, think they're just jealous because you're going to be massive and they will be tiny law-abiding prawns.

2) Motivation

Now the key to success is motivation. It's one thing to want something, but its another thing to need it. Do you need to be a stronger, meatier man? If not you have to find a reason to motivate yourself. Concentrate hard and think deep about why you want to be stronger. Often people find that if they have been bullied in early life that is motivation and they would quite like to kill the people that bullied them. This is a good as you can also set a date to do it by. Achievable goals, that is the key.

3) Diet

Most workout plans will tell you that you have to eat vegetables and fruit and low-carb foods to get fit. This is wrong. If you want to be strong the last thing you want to be eating is broccoli. Nerds eat broccoli. No, to gain muscles you have eat animals that are muscley. Prime examples of this would include the silverback gorilla, the brown bear or indeed other human beings. Not only does the consumption of these animals make you fitter, but as these animals are not supplied by the majority of supermarkets they will have to be hunted. This will increase your arm strength from throwing arrows, you calf muscles from running after your prey, and also make you shed a few extra pounds as if the animals turn out you, you will probably shit yourself.

4) Gaming

Likely if you are reading this you are a disgusting nerd with acne and a numb lower-half from a chronic masturbation addiction. You will also like gaming. You can incorporate this into your daily work-out. The best technique is to attach a weight to your controller, meaning whenever you are gaming you are also gaining (muscle). If you think you are ready for the next level you can sellotape bricks to the Wii remote and nun-chuck and play Wii Sports boxing. Build on this technique by adding more bricks to the controllers as you build-up strength.

5) Start A Violent Gang War

This goes back to tip 2, you need a reason to get hench. Find your local crime hotspot and prance around insulting everyone you see. Before long somebody should have some 'beef' with you. At which point (if they haven't already stabbed you) inform them that your 'squad' will take them 'down' and specify a place and time for the duel to commence. After this point will be in perfect frame of mind to get pumped and put on some muscle. And if you don't think you are up for the fight you can always flee the country.

So those are the simple measures you need to follow to become a powerful warrior like myself. But remember, with great power come great responsibility. I cannot be held responsible if you become a masked super villain.