Kill The Blue Whale

This is an article I wrote for the Daily Mail a while back. For some reason they never published it, so it's now here:


Kill the blue whale, save the children

Aquatic bastards stealing space from tax-payers

The blue whale has been terrorizing the seas for millions of years. At 30 meters long, the animal is easily bigger than the average poor person's house. But more importantly, the space they are taking up could be used for garden extensions so you can fit more gnomes in. There is simply no reason for an animal, especially one as useless as the blue whale, to take up this amount of space. The only thing they eat is krill, they don't even have the decency to eat a big evil fish like a shark or the sea bear. The suspected reason they only prey on small fish is because they are the sea equivalent of a paedophile, picking on much smaller, more vulnerable fish. Sources close to the animal have raised suspicions that blue whales are posing as 14 year old boys on the internet to try and groom young girls and lure them into the sea.

Barry Pingu, spokesman for the NFBWA (National F*ck the Blue Whale Association), said “For years the blue whale has been ruining the lives of small fish and now are planning on ruining the lives of small children. I mean I went to the zoo once right, and they had this whale, think it's name was Martin, and it looked at me in a very aggressive manner. It was clearly trying to start on me. I tried to run up and glass it but my family dragged me away.” Mr Pingu says that it is only a matter of time before the whales learn how to move on land and that children should learn to protect themselves from the evil underwater wankers. He has made a whale protection kit for children which comes equipped with a harpoon, a flare, a gas mask, a whale whistle and anti-whale gel. “Our poor harmless universally good natured children don't stand a chance against a whale in hand to fin combat, so my kit should even out the odds a bit.”

The threat of land invasion is very serious as a whale scientist will tell you, as they are not technically fish, they are mammals, like people. Dr Vivian Mahogany confirmed this to us, “Yeah they are mammals.” So they live underwater and don't even have the decency to be fish. They are probably doing it to claim underwater benefits. Underwater benefits were introduced in 2003 by Labour under the Merpeople Cultural Preservation Act, however it is believed that the blue whales have been using tax loop-holes to claim benefits despite none of them, that's right, none of them, having a paid job. God I hate blue whales. They're evil. And they smell. And look stupid. Kill them, kill them all!!!