Labour Leadership Smackdown

It may have escaped your attention that the Labour party are in the midst of finding their replacement for Ed Milliband as the Labour party leader. After a poor showing at the general election it is felt that the party need a new identity to win over voters in the next election. Will they go right-wing, restoring Blair-ite philosophies? Will they left-wing and more socialist as the party was at it's inception? Or will they be more centrist and please absolutely nobody? I have my own personal views about where the party should head but I thought that ultimately this should be decided in the fairest, more democratic way possible. Smash bros.

I made each of the candidates on the game and gave them traits that represented their politcal views. Andy Burnham, the human embodiment of beige, was first up. He has been around the party for quite a while and seems to be the most centralist of the candidates. I still don't exactly know what he stands for. Somehow he manages to be even less decisive than Milliband. Despite this he was the early favourite to win. Because of this I gave him a balanced set-up to represent his non-committal.

Next up was Yvette Cooper. Again she seems to have been around forever and is pretty beige and non-commital. However she is at least a woman, meaning she is aesthetically different if not politically. I completely forgot what she looked liked when making her, giving her grey hair, which probably shows how forgetful she is. Because of this I gave her high-speed and gave her a range set-up, showing how she might win by stealth because everybody forgets about her.

Then it was the turn of Liz Kendall. She is the right-wing candidate of the candidates trying to out-UKIP UKIP in terms of immigration and out-Tory the Tories in terms of financial responsibility. Personally, this makes me question why she is even in the Labour party but hey-ho. Not the favourite to win but does have some support, include Chuka Umuna who originally running for leader before pulling out, showing how spineless he is. As she is a Conservative in disguise I thought she should specialise in defence, especially as it would help her re-enforce the borders.

Finally it's Jeremy Corbyn, left-wing candidate and veteran of the party. He has been key campaigner against the war in Iraq and austerity, but more importantly has won 'Parliamentary Beard of the Year' five times. He is a huge outsider and only really put himself forward to stimulate and debate about the party's direction. However he has received backing from Unite, was of the biggest Labour-supporting unions. He has got nothing to lose here, so I made him full-out attack.

So there we are, all four candidates. And now pass over to your commutator Steve Peppermint. Enjoy.