10 things we learnt from the new John Lewis ad

The annual tear-jerking John Lewis Christmas advert was launched upon the public earlier this week like tear gas in a shopping centre. Every year this sparks a massive reaction from the internet with millions of emotionally represented teenage girls sharing it on Facebook, millions of advertising gurus thinking of ways to copy it and millions of stupid bloggers putting together a stupid article about it (see what I did there? I know, post-modern right?). So without further ado here are my "10 things we learnt from the new John Lewis ad". Didn't really need to say that, it's in the title.

 Photograph: John Lewis

Photograph: John Lewis

1) The Moon is boring

See the old man on the Moon clearly didn't think ahead did he? He must of thought it was cool or edgy to live on the moon but in reality it's just rock up there. And there are literally no other people, of course you're going to get lonely you foolish old man. The Moon's PR people must be having a nightmare right now, this ad doesn't not show it in a good light.

2) John Lewis have no respect for science

This is a bit of an obvious one but there are countless scientific inaccuracies to be found. How can the man breathe? How did the present get to the Moon and not burn up in the atmosphere? How did the girl get a telescope with a such sharp HD picture? This advert will trick children into thinking anything is possible. This is misleading and will only set them up for future disappointment. 

3) The Moon could be a great way of outsourcing criminals

As I said before the moon looks like a tedious place to live. Jails are already overcrowded and will only get more so over the next few years. Sending criminals to the Moon could be a great way to solve the problem, becoming a modern day Australia. Who knows, maybe that was why the old man was there in the first place. Maybe he was a paedophile. It would explain why he was so interested in that little girl.

4) Every song is better if it is sung more slowly

I don't know about you but whenever I heard the original "Half The World Away" by Oasis I always thought, "If only a girl with a really breathy voice sang this slower over some piano and sleigh bells". Finally I got my wish. Hopefully next year they will do a similar cover of my favourite Christmas song "Killing In The Name Of". Also, the man is clearly significantly more than half the world away, he's on the Moon.

5) I need to buy my Christmas presents

All this talk of John Lewis has reminded me I need to buy my family their Christmas presents. But where from? There are so many online and high-street retailers to choose from. I know, John Lewis! They have loads of great offers like up to 20% off selecting lighting amongst many others. There truly is something for all the family! So get down to John Lewis this Christmas to get y....sorry don't know what came over me there.

6) Nothing says Christmas like loneliness

One thing I will give the advert credit for is it perfectly encapsulated the sense of loneliness you get at Christmas. Most adverts show off people having fun with there family and friends, drinking, eating, being merry. I don't have any friends and don't like my family. I can relate to the man who hates Christmas so much he moved to the Moon and the girl who is so keen to escape the forced fun of the season she happily befriends an intergalactic paedophile.

7) No Clangers

Where are the Clangers?

 Photograph: Alamy

Photograph: Alamy

8) John Lewis probably faked the Moon landing

Is it a coincidence that exactly 46 years and 114 days after man first stepped on the moon the John Lewis advert is released? I think not. Clearly after all this time their conscious got to them and they finally admit they conspired with the US government and NASA to fake the Moon landing.    

9) Drugs are bad

I think it is fairly obvious that the inspiration for this advert was filthy street drugs. This old man is so high he has literally re-located to the Moon. I suppose the people behind the advert think drugs are 'cool' and 'hip'. They are setting a bad example to our children saying that drugs are so cool that even Granddad takes them. Luckily his drug habit has condemned him to perpetual loneliness so maybe this will act as a deterrent. 

10) Society is doomed

All joking aside where are we as a society when an advertising company is now a hyped-up fixture in our celebrations? This video already has 7million views on Youtube, people going out of their way to be advertised at, to be manipulated by large corporations with open-mouthed glee. We are a society that every year goes into the streets to celebrate when the Coca-Cola truck rolls into town claiming that 'Christmas doesn't start until the Coco-Cola advert is on TV'. People forget that Coca-Cola is available all year round, you just don't buy it because everyone prefers Pepsi.

The fact that we are so used to advertising in the mainstream media now I think is hugely damaging as it is becoming part of our culture. We are letting the ad-men win, allowing ourselves to be indoctrinated into buying things we don't need just because of their annual emotionally manipulating advert. Once again John Lewis has ruined Christmas. I hope the old man dies.